you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
