Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
