My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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