don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize