I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
