i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
