I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
