I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
