No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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