...so i touched it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
