You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
