I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
