corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
