I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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