How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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