worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
