i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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