Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
