I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Randomize
