Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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