Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
