All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
