I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
