I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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