dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
