She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
