i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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