the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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