also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
