I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
