Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
