first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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