I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
