I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
