the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
