Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
