The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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