My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
