Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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