I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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