I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
