nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
