please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
