I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
