i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
