the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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