My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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