i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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