The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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