i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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