this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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