Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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