I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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