I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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