R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
if i can run in heels then i can drive
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
