It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
