I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
