Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
