Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I intend to get homeless drunk
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
